


Something I said

by Morethancupcake



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Established Relationship, F/M, Jealousy, M/M, Misunderstandings, Past Drug Use, insecure!cas, mention of past Dean/Lisa
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-31
Updated: 2014-12-31
Packaged: 2018-03-04 14:40:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3071861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morethancupcake/pseuds/Morethancupcake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean wakes up alone after Sam's wedding. Castiel isn't here. Castiel doesn't answer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Something I said

What it something I said ?

Castiel doesn't answer.  
Castiel doesn't pick up his phone, he doesn't repond to texts, or even emails. For a week Dean is left with the taste of fear in his mouth.

He doesn't remember much from the party. Wine, lots of wine, and people laughing. He remembers standing next to Sammy, and feeling so proud of his little brother. Jess, who couldn't stop stop crying, but looked so beautiful. Cas was watching them, and Dean remembers the knot in his throat, because he was so handsome, and looked so mesmerized by the way Sammy was curled around Jess, the way they talked without even saying a word.

The air had smelled like the thousands of flowers around them, and Dean had been looking at Castiel most of the night. But he had a duty. He had to stand and pose with his brother, with Jess' family. With Lisa, who was obviously maid of honor, and was laughing and looking so carefree and happy. Dean was happy, too.

From there, everything was a blurr of dancing and cake, tasting buttercream icing on Cas tongue, whispering how much he loved him while they were dancing.

 

What is something I said ?

 

He guesses he walked to the hotel, since baby had been safely parked in the garage. He guesses Castiel helped him out of his tux, and tucked him into bed, a glass of water next to him. Castiel wasn't there in the morning, and Dean knew he had slept alone. Castiel doesn't answer.

 

Dean asks their friends, if maybe he said or did something stupid. He asks Lisa, with fear in his voice, and is so relieved at her surprise he has to sit down and breathe. Whatever he's done, at least he didn't cheat. It doesn't feel as good as he thought.

 

After days of feeling like a whole part of his soul is missing, he decides to forget all about being careful with his heart, and to face the truth. Castiel isn't at Gabe's. Castiel isn't at work. Suddenly Dean wonders where Castiel sleeps at night. He thinks about the obvious, Anna, and the one he's rather not think about, Balthazar. 

He's so glad he isn't at Balthazar's

Dean goes to the library, and to the Roadhouse. He goes to the pet store, and to the parc. At loss, he goes to Cas' studio, and finds him on a dirty mattress, on the floor.

Castiel didn't eat much, that much is obvious. He doesn't even move when Dean enters, and it's so cold inside, Dean wonders if maybe he took something, not to feel the freezing air on his bare chest. There's paint on his fingers, and his hair. His new works are all lined up against the wall, and Dean can see it isn't about light and happiness anymore. Castiel represents himself as an angel without wings, as crying on the floor. Dean can't see himself anywhere.

"Dean ?" Dean sits next to him, at loss at what to do. "What are you doing here ?"

"I was looking for you." His eyes are looking for anything, a fridge, a heater, something. It's been years since Castiel's last fall-out. He doesn't really remember, they were just friends at that time, but he remembers Sam's words and worry. "What's going on here, Cas ?"

"You should go." The deep voice is tired, and numb. Castiel is trying to get up, but his arms are shaking. 

"I'm not leaving you here." Dean drags him close to his chest, and breathes in. Castiel smells clean, and his eyes are focused. No drugs then.

"You should." The voice is muffles against him, but he is shaking, too, and he can feel bones, and "I can't do this, Dean. I can't."

"Then we'll do it together, but you have to explain, buddy." He's crying now, sobs that shakes them both. Dean waits. 

"I can't deal with you and Lisa. And the others. I can't deal with the past. I am not strong enough." Dean closes his eyes, and put his lips on Cas' ear. "I am not strong enough, Dean. It's not fair on you, it's not fair that I can't move passed it, and I make you suffer..."

"You let me decide what is fair and not, okay ?" Dean takes his fingers, and they are white and cold. "I don't fucking care what people think. I want you. I get to keep you. I don't care if it's fair or not, if I have to help you every fucking day. You're mine. You don't get to diseappear and leave me alone." There's no heat in his words. He's actually glad. He can't always battle himself, but this, this is easy. Castiel's demons are nothing, nothing compared to Dean Winchester.

"And what if I can't do it ? What if I need..."

"Then I'll tell you everyday. I'll prove it to you every morning, and I'll hold you safe every night." Castiel is silent. Dean nows what he's thinking. Dean knows because he thinks the same about himself. Worthless, weak, pathetic. Michael had said Castiel was cursed, his talent and his demons stitched together to his soul. "I'd rather have you, cursed or not." Castiel wraps his arms around him. "Are you ready to leave, now ?" A nod. "Was it something I said ?" A shake. "Can you walk ?"

Dean helps him with his clothes, and takes him home. He holds him in the bathtub, and massage his toes until they're warm to the touch. Castiel's eyes are huge, and when Dean is finally inside him, he cries for the first time since he woke up alone in his hotel room.

"Was it something I said ?" he asks again, later, still touching the younger man, still trying to prove himself he's right here, and safe.

"It was everything. It was the flowers, and the music. It was watching them, and knowing at one point you wanted this with Lisa. It was watching you both dance."

"But I was watching you." Castiel's eyes are full of tears, and Dean kisses them. "I want that with you. I share my life with you, Cas."

"I guess I'm not strong enough to see it."

"Then close your eyes." Dean moves and cages the man with his arms and legs. He kisses him until Castiel moans in his mouth. "Close your eyes, I'll show you."


End file.
